I came across this today and if my mam was still here, I’d ring her and say Thank you. My daughter is too young to understand this but someday I know she will ring and thank me too. I can’t pick which I like best, but 1 to 10 is mostly every day.
I started my blog 3 months ago and as hectic as it has been it is exciting. I feel like an individual again and not just a mammy and wife. I feel like my identity is coming back. It makes me happy. I do it for me. It wasn’t until for the 1st time in 3 months that a weekend of events meant that my daughter wouldn’t be with me, and as my other half works at weekends sometimes, this weekend is one of them. With mammy and daddy working away it means that she will have to stay over at a friend’s house. And here is where it started. First there were tears, then the questions. Times, places, clothes, what toys to take and the most important question, what time am I collecting her on Sunday?
I suffer from anxiety and these are some of the questions that I asked myself. My daughter has picked up some from me and these weekends make me realise how fragile my little girl can be. At the age of 7, I look at her like she is still my baby girl. That all the guilt I had when she was 7 months and leaving her into crèche would have been gone by now. This is the bit that is not in the ‘How to be a perfect mam’ guide. The bit that when you finally feel like you are Rita again, the mammy guilt just creeps in and you hug your child so tight you don’t want to let go. That as she cries, you look away so they don’t see your tears. That you try to change times and travel plans just so that you can put their little minds at ease. I look strong but inside my heart is broke. Then the what if’s start to come. What if my mam was still here? Would my daughter still be upset if she was going to stay with my mam?
Maybe I need to manage the guilt a little better. We as mothers need to realise that we are not Superwoman, we are not invincible and when your child tells you they don’t like your hair, clothes or shoes, we need to realise that yes it hurts because of course they matter but you are you. It is 1 night, 1 weekend, 1 dinner, 1 coffee, whatever you feel that ‘Mammy Guilt’ for, it will pass. The event, the meeting, the catch up will all be over and you will be back home being Mammy before you know it.
Does anyone else suffer from this? Am I alone? Hopefully I am not.